August Giggles and Chuckles
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why
do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s
done it again!”
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“Don’t worry, I can stay out late tonight,” Joe told his
friend Bob. “My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the
Caribbean.”
“Jamaica?” Bob asked.
“No, it was her idea.”
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At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the
same as an old friend. He found the man’s e-mail address in
the company directory and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back
another e-mail:
“I have put on some weight, but I didn’t realize it was that
noticeable!”
His friend’s hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,
had read:
“Hi, Ron. I didn’t know you worked here, but I did see a gut
that looked like you in the cafeteria.”
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Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.
So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, “Let’s all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position.”
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AND NOW FOR KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
“Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.”
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A little boy was overheard praying:
“Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.”
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After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
“That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.”
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer:
“Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed,
“but deliver us from E-mail.
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One particular four-year-old prayed,
“And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied,
“Because people are sleeping.”
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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old
brother, Joel, were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
“See those two men standing by the door?
They’re hushers.”
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
“Ryan, you be Jesus!”
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A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.
“He died and went to Heaven,” the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
“Did God throw him back down?”
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A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
“Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
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