Ep: 17 The Narcissist Revealed!
Intro
Jennifer Gunson 0:03
Welcome to another episode of Medium Well with Psychic Sharyn Rose. Today we are exploring how the Narcissist and Empath are drawn to one another. The magnetizing that happens and the information that proves, hey, you’re actually not crazy and the situation is not your fault. You’re just drawn to this broken person. Learn all about the tips and tricks in this episode to not be drawn to these types of people. And what are the three Ds look like and how the narcissist will use them to convince you and others that you’re crazy. So let’s get started!
What Are The Behavior Of A Narcissist?
Sharyn 0:48
Hey, and welcome back. My voice is coming back. I’m starting to feel normal. I’m starting to sound normal. Oh, my gosh. Okay, we’re still working on this is Sharyn Rose. Welcome back to Medium Well, with Psychic Sharyn Rose. Boy, I’m so excited about this topic that I almost completely forgot about the area that we’re talking about, which is narcissism. And so far, there’s been a couple of sessions on narcissism. And I wanted to talk today about overt but, you know, malignant narcissism includes all overt narcissists. And it also can include some of the coverts. What I mean by that is there’s vulnerable covert narcissists out there that are mainstreamed. They are all kinds of people that are around us all the time. But they’re not obvious. They’re sneaky. They’re sly. They slide their comments in and hurt you, knowing they hurt you. But they do it when A) number 1, they don’t get caught, or nobody’s going to know about it. So if you were to say something, nobody would believe you. That everything’s behind closed doors, everything sort of secretive. And the covert narcissist that just likes to lie, etc, etc. Some of them are fairly harmless, and they would be more the vulnerable, although there is a level of malignancy in some of the coverts. And I want to go into that today. Because this area that we’re going to cover today, I was going to talk about overt, but I’m going to talk about all narcissists, and some of the behaviors is in some of the trades, and how do you become prey for them? How do you become the victim? How do you become a narcissistic themselves? Let’s use that first. Let’s talk about that first.
How Are Narcissists Made?
So, I’m going to pull from some information that I found, written by a Dr. Melissa Kalt. She’s an MD, and she’s a trauma expert. And so she does a lot of work on narcissism and she also was a narcissist survivor, but she’s a physician. So here is what she says as to how the narcissist will pick their supply like do you know do they have intuition towards what somebody looks, how they look – like a possible victim? And she says they’re attracted to some distinct characteristics. And here’s what some of them are, first of all, someone who’s attractive, physically attractive, successful, educated, wealthy, powerful and or connected. So the narcissist will be drawn to people who are those qualities physically attractive, successful, educated, wealthy, powerful and or connected. So it doesn’t mean that person has all of those qualities, but it means that they have something in that area. So a narcissist will elevate their own status by involving themselves with these really cool people, making them look better than they do on their own. So it’s by its vicarious, okay, the narcissist tends to desire characteristics they don’t have in a partner. So for an attractive overt narcissist – this is overt going to the malignant – this may mean marrying a trophy wife, or husband. For a covert narcissist with an entry level job. It may mean marrying a doctor, a CEO or a lawyer. They will be drawn to somebody who’s compassionate, who’s kind, they seek people with a big, beautiful heart. So when you hear this kind of thing makes you kind of say, well, what the heck am I supposed to run around and be a cold fish? No, no. And we’ll get into that in a minute. They desire people who want to be sure everyone feels included and heard. So they want people who will include everyone who will be very kind to everyone. They want someone who sees the good and wants the best for others. And they want someone who sympathizes with people who suffer challenges because this person sees the world and those in it through rose colored glasses. In other words, empathic, compassionate kind people can sometimes see only the good in others and therefore blinded by their toxic behaviors. And that makes sense because if you’re only seeing the good in others, you’re going to be looking at the narcissist through rose colored glasses, and you’re not going to see their flaws. And they know that. They seek empathetic people. They want those who feel what others are feeling as if it’s happening to them. Now I mentioned earlier in some previous episodes about mirroring. They mirror you. I’ve noticed sometimes when I’m around narcissistic personalities, that when I do something, they will copy me. And they could come right down to the way I hold my fork at a meal and eat. The way I speak, the way I sit, they will sometimes just literally mimic – when I interact with somebody else, they will interact with that person exactly the same way.
How Can You Tell If Someone Is Narcissistic?
I went to a wedding a few years ago. And it was, I knew the bride very well, but I didn’t really know the groom very well. And I was helping where a lot of us were all together helping this outdoor venue where they were getting married. So we were setting up the tents and decorating and all that kind of stuff. And the groom came over. And I saw him and I just kind of hopped over to him and punched him on the arm gently and jokingly and said, Hey, how are you doing? Are y’all ready for the big day, just kind of given him just a little bit of a ribbing. And he was laughing and I was laughing and the narcissist I’m referring to did the exact same thing. Another female who went up to him, tapped him on the arm and used the exact same words I had just used and then stood there like she had just done something amazing. It was quite comical. And he looked at her kind of oddly, and I just looked at her and knew, because I already know she’s got these tendencies. But it was really quite humorous – it was in identical action and movement.
What Causes Love Bombing?
So during the love-bombing phase, which is the very first part of a relationship, the empathic target feels the hurt and the emptiness beneath the mask of the narcissist. Because empathetic people pick up other people’s emotions, they’ll often pick up their feelings and often get hits of knowledge if you’re a clear cog of how that person is doing in their life. And even though they can’t see that this person is hurting, they want to fill the emptiness with love. So an empathic person will do that. And then once the devaluing that the narcissist does takes place begins, the empathetic target feels the shame the fear and the worthlessness that the narcissist projects on them. And I gotta tell you something here, one of the things that I’ve learned is, there is a narcissist I know very well who I can tell when – and this is a male narcissist – when he’s feeling sad or angry, or particularly angry, I can feel it, I can literally feel it. And I’ll say to him, why are you angry? I’m not angry. Or I’ll say why are you sad? I’m not sad, because they refuse to acknowledge those emotions. And it’s really quite comical, but an empath will pick it up, and there will be a denying, and that’s why it’s easy for them to accept the projected thoughts, feelings and actions as their own. Because a lot of times an empath, if they’re not trained, they will pick up the feelings and the thoughts and the projected thoughts and the feelings and actions of the others as their own because sometimes if you’re not trained, you don’t know the difference between what’s your imagination and what’s real. Now, let’s remember the characteristics of an empath: their gifts, their talented, their outstanding attributes in and of themselves. And so the empath already has talent, but the narcissist will utilize that and use that to their own betterment. So these three characteristics are attractive to the narcissist. However, the rest depends on the empath, or the target because empaths as I mentioned before, empaths and narcissists are actually perfect match. One wants to fix and heal and the other wants to be healed and fixed and listen to a number one. So there’s a codependency, according to the National Geographic encyclopedia, magnetism is the force exerted by magnets when they attract or repel each other. Okay, to get that, to become magnetized, another strongly magnetic substance must enter the magnetic field of an existing magnet. In this case, our magnets are the narcissists and the target, they may attract or repel each other. And the narcissist target duo only becomes magnetized or attracted to each other when you add one or more of the following. Now this is really important, narcissistic parent or previous relationships. So, those who’ve been groomed by a previous narcissist are magnetic to another. So if you have a narcissistic parent, a sibling, a relative of some sort, who had some influence and was able to groom you, when you were young or growing up. Or even a previous partner or relationship that you were groomed, then you’ll be an automatic match. You will be magnetized to one to the other. So if you do have narcissistic parents in your history, you’ve got work to do. You want to make sure you don’t become a victim again. Because frankly, the heavy lifting is already been done. You’ve already internalized the shame and the worthless projected on you by the previous narcissist and it’s so much easier to sell it now. So you’ve been groomed and how to respond to devaluing, passive aggressive put downs, the silent treatment, the angry outbursts, (those are huge), the lack of self responsibility. So a narcissist very seldom we’ll say, It’s my fault. It’s always about you and you did it wrong, and you made me do that etc, etc. That behavior feels normal and familiar. Because familiar attracts you to the narcissist you’ve been magnetized. If you’ve had narcissistic interactions prior in a relationship, know that you are primed to be drawn to another narcissist. Codependency. Codependency arises from your own history of trauma, and that trauma has resulted in losing connection to yourself and instead attaching your sense of self to another person. Women that go from relationship to relationship to relationship (or men) relationship to relationship to relationship tend to have codependency characteristics. And you’re instead attaching your sense of self to another person, or even a substance, okay, or an object. And it’s also resulted in a great deal of internalized shame, which leads to seeking love and approval. Shame is one of the most destructive, powerful emotions on the planet. It is unnecessary, it doesn’t need to exist, but it must be torn out at the root, for what caused the shame and how you’re holding on to it. And now we’re talking about going through a value shift. So here comes the narcissist. The narcissist will take you on and they will do what is called, “love bombing”. Your magnet is not only magnetized but now it’s supercharged. In your mind, they are the most attractive person in the world. They’re the smartest person in the world. They love you more than anybody’s ever loved you. There you go. You’ve also learned to deny your feelings and needs so you don’t really pay attention to what you need now, because you’re so busy projecting out there and taking care of the rest of the world. You attempt to control your feelings. Avoid feelings of anger and sadness. You avoid situations that are likely to evoke these emotions, and you may control the behavior of others by people pleasing. It doesn’t sound like we’re bad people does it? Those of us who are empaths. You were taught to have dysfunctional boundaries because yours weren’t respected. And this can really go back to narcissistic parents. Now you’re likely to accept blame that doesn’t belong to you, and your self criticism and your self blame makes you the perfect partner for a narcissist. What could be more attractive?
How Do Narcissists Groom Their victims?
Fortunately, you – the potential target – are in the driver’s seat. This is important – listen up! You have no control over being attractive, compassionate and empathic. These are good things! You wouldn’t want to change even if you could. They make you attractive to a narcissist, but a narcissist won’t be very attractive to you, especially if you’re aware of the tactics they use and recognize them for who they are. You did not have control over being groomed by a narcissist previously, or trauma that resulted in codependency at that time. You didn’t see what was going on, and you didn’t have the skills or the resources to choose otherwise. That’s not your fault. Can I say it again? Can I hear an amen? That is not your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. Okay? And that’s important. You’ve done nothing wrong. A narcissist will let you believe everything is your fault. Nothing is your fault. You’ve been groomed by a narcissist. All right? And now that you see it, now that you’re more aware, and you’re waking up to it, you have the ability to change it. Yes, ma’am. Yes, sir. Are you sure to do! To heal your trauma, to heal your shame, to connect yourself to yourself again, and to no longer be codependent – to be independent and free. You can choose healthy relationships and create new patterns that become familiar. Because it’s a rewiring process, you can rewire your nervous system. And once you do, you will not find anything about a narcissist attractive. You will no longer be magnetized. That is so powerful.
What Are The 9 Traits Of A Narcissist?
So let’s talk just a little bit about a narcissistic personality disorder. This is a kind of a fun, just a little bit of information I want to share with you. And what they do if you catch them out. Because you know how sometimes you can actually – narcissists will put you in a position where you have to have hard proof. But even sometimes with hard proof, they they don’t believe you anyways. And they, well, they, you’ve got it, you’ve got it. You got video of them what they they did or said, you’ve got it written on paper, you’ve got notes from other people, you’ve got validation coming out your ears, but here’s what happens. If you corner someone with narcissistic personality disorder. (And this information, by the way – that was mostly Kalt – that I was just sharing information that she created.) But this next bit is from the same author I had talked to you about before, Eleanor Greenberg, who wrote the book, Borderline Narcissist, and Schizoid Adaptions. She wrote several books. So if you cornered someone with narcissistic personality disorder – NPD normally known as – and you confront them with what you believe is proof that they’ve lied to you, prepare to be confronted right back with what they’re referred to as – what Eleanor refers to as – the three Ds of Narcissism, Deny, Dismiss, Devalue, okay? I know these very well. I have been exposed to these very well and very often, and I call narcissists out all the time. They don’t like me very much, unless they decide to change some of their behaviors. And they, some of them do, especially the vulnerable, they will, or as long as you’re valuable to them. And sometimes long term that can become either better or worse. But let’s go into these. So an example of Deny: here’s the narcissist, I didn’t do that. You’re mischaracterizing what I said. You’re 100% wrong. Remember, you have proof. Okay? You have actual proof. Here’s another example of dismissing all that was no big deal. You’re making a big fuss over nothing. You’re too sensitive. How many of you have heard these? Oh, they’re good, aren’t they? And an example of Devalue: You’re so stupid. You’re being paranoid. You’re crazy. Now, one of the signs of becoming a victim of a narcissist is that sometimes you feel like you’re going crazy. You think you’re nuts, especially when it comes down to things like gaslighting. And they’ll say things like I told you that I said that. I told you that last week, and you call a narcissist on gaslighting often enough, they will stop if they want to stay around you and stay in your life, they will stop. And when you lose your tolerance for a narcissist that can change the dynamic of a relationship if they really are starting to devalue you in any way. And again, I’m not talking about the malignant or the overt. I’m talking about the coverts that are the vulnerables. And I’ll go into more of this because we’re going to do more sessions on on narcissism. So people with the NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, they keep their underlying doubts about themselves out of their awareness. So instead, they construct defensive false self-facade. Now remember, I said the last session, I said that they live in a fictitious world that only includes data that makes them seem perfect. So in their mind, if they ever admit to making a mistake, it’s equivalent to saying, I’m a complete fraud. And because they lack whole object relations, they can’t form a stable, realistic or integrated picture of themselves. So in other words, they can’t simultaneously include their strength and their flaws, because they can only see two perfectly unrealistic possibilities. That 1) they’re either perfect and flawless. Or, they’re totally worthless, and ineffective, okay? So they’re one or the other. If they admit that you’re right, they’re likely to experience deep shame over their unworthiness. Narcissists will do practically anything to avoid admitting to be wrong. It doesn’t matter what type of evidence with which you confront them. And here’s what you’re unlikely to hear. Here’s what you’re not gonna hear – if you confront a narcissist – I am so sorry. I was totally wrong. You’re 100% right. How could I have been so dumb and mean? Here’s what you can expect instead – Denial, Dismiss and Devalue.
Can Someone Be A Narcissist And A Psychopath?
Okay, here’s some examples. Here’s some examples of what a narcissist will do when they find out they are a narcissist. So these are just some examples. And they’re kind of harsh. So, what you’ll see is a pattern. This is examples from others: My ex wife, covert malignant, called me one, of course, when I called her out, because they’ll turn it on you, if you call out a narcissist, they’ll say, oh, heck no, YOU’RE the narcissist! And when you’re already in this kind of fog, and you’re sort of thinking, well, am I crazy? You might believe them. But when you discover they’re a narcissist, they will fight back in some way. So then what this ex wife did is she discarded him in the worst possible way. And he ended up being homeless for three months during the pandemic in 2020. Here’s another one: This person says, my psychopath cousin denied it completely and kept trying to devalue me before I told him I couldn’t talk to him anymore because of his behavior. Familiar? I’ve had to do that. I’ve had to go no contact. I’ve had to go no contact and I tell you what, it’s been the most freeing, liberating experience I unbelievable. Here’s another one: my gaslighting parents – and if you don’t, aren’t familiar with gaslighting, they’re telling you something. They say, Oh, I told you that before. I told you that last week. I told you I was going to be going there. And you say no, you didn’t tell me. Or they’ll say, well, you knew that. No, I didn’t know that. Well, they’ll say you said that. No, I didn’t say that. But if you aren’t healthy, you’re going to believe that they’re right. And that’s called gaslighting. So here’s an example of gaslighting parents. My gaslighting parents kept devaluing and physically attacking me until I just stopped responding to their abuse. Oftentimes, parents, it’s generally not both, oftentimes it’s one. But if it’s both, just go, no contact, you don’t have a choice. You haven’t got a choice. Here’s another example: My sister denied it completely and said that I have a problem. Here’s another example: My friend with bipolar couldn’t stop telling me I was full of crap. You see a pattern here. So, for a lot of people, it’s really nice that they have some normal friends are able to talk to through the first part of leaving most of these narcissists behind. Because it can be incredibly painful.
Why Do Narcissists Trick You?
So that’s our podcast for today. I hope that you enjoyed that information. I hope it’s going to be of service to you. Again, Christmas is right around the corner and I want you to… I want you to recognize some of these behaviors so that you can identify those people that are literally taking advantage of you. They’re not being fair. They’re all out for themselves. Until the next podcast where we’ll we’ll talk more about narcissism next Thursday. I look forward to talking to you again. Be safe, be kind, stay healthy. And I’ll see you then. Bye bye.
Outro
Jennifer Gunson 20:22
Thank you for listening to another episode of Medium Well with Psychic Sharyn Rose. If you love hearing Sharyn’s stories and her advice, and want to work with her, all you have to do is go to her website, SharynRose.com. That’s Sharyn with a w”Y”. And if you want to enroll in her next session of Kitchen Witchen – which of course is starting in the new year, January 3rd 2022 – well, registration is now open. You can find more information in how to register on our website, KitchenWitchen.ca. Talk to you next time!
Transcribed by https://otter.ai