February Giggles and Chuckles
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, ”
The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?”
The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it!”
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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old. Well, you’ll love this one….
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school.
‘Yes. Yes, I did.’ he gleamed with pride.
‘When did you graduate?’ I asked.
He answered, ‘In 1967. Why do you ask?’
‘You were in my class!’ I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, ‘What did you teach?’
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts.
“Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says, angrily, “Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine.”
Then his wife asks, “Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine.”
She says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.”
“I’m not a darn carpenter and I don’t fix steps,” He says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“I’ve had enough of you,” he said, “I’m going to the bar!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks a few. Soon he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home.
As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed.
“Honey,” he asks, “how did all this get fixed?”
She said, “Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man came along and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either give him our television or bake a cake.”
The husband said, “So what kind of cake did you bake?”
She replied, “Helloooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker Written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
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A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. “Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.
“Well, I think I do.” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
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Oh Gosh,” sighed the wife one morning, “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!”
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, “I’m not surprised: You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!”
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Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only a kiss a yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.
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Three guys had to cross a lake. The first one prayed to God for the strength, he swam across the lake, but almost died 5 times.
The second guy prayed to God for the strength and the tools, he made a boat, and rowed himself across the lake, he almost died 3 times.
The third guy prayed to God for the strength, the tools, and the brains. He turned into a girl, walked 4 yards, and crossed the bridge
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FEMALE RESPONSES TO THE MALE COME-ON LINES
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
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If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
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A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.
Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”
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Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks: “Mommy! Are we poisonous?”
“Why, yes we are”, says the second.
Again the baby snake asks, “Are you sure we’re poisonous?”
“Yes, we are very poisonous.”
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, “Are we really really poisonous?”
“Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we’re the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?”
“I just bit my lip!!!”
I REALLY HOPE THESE MADE YOU SMILE!!!!