June Giggles and Chuckles
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue.
And then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where did
the glue go?
You know darned well where it went! That’s what makes the
cake stick to your butt!
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RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night — early birds.
Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too..
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
….. PRICELESS
********************
I realized the impact of computers on my young son one evening
when there was a dramatic sunset. Pointing to the western sky,
David said, “I wish we could click and save that.”
**************
A sign on Washington’s Route 8, featuring an illustration of
a police car with lights flashing, reads” “If you drink and
drive, we’ll provide the chasers.”
**************
In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: “That’s the hat for you!
It makes you look ten years younger.”
***************
“Then I don’t want it,” retorted the matronly customer.
“I certainly can’t afford to put on ten years every time I
take off my hat!”
***************
The company my brother worked for had a phone system that
rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a
certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would
be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the
phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, “Psychic Hotline.
I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number.”
The caller would often reply with something like, “But I
didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I
dialed the wrong…. Oh!” (Click.)
**************
Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under
the mattress?only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One
day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe?a can of spray
paint with a false bottom?so he could keep his money in the
workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put his money in it the same day.”
“No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!” I gloated.
“They won’t have to,” my mom replied. “He keeps the paint can
in his underwear drawer.”
****************
Larry died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the
last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and
dearest friend. “Well, I’m sure Larry would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned
in close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Sarah. “Forty-thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?”
Sarah answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone. ”
Jody computed quickly, “$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?”
“Four and a half carats.”