October 2009 Giggles and Chuckles
I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists’
canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two
widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) “Scissors?”
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A woman in my office recently divorced after years of
marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.
“Is it hard to learn?” someone asked.
“Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked
to breathe life into a dummy. I don’t expect to have any
problem. I did that for 12 years.”
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My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one
meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.
“What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and
how do they relate to our diet?”
“Low in calories” and “lots of fiber,” were among the
answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and con-
cluded, “Apples are not only more healthful but also less
expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this
candy bar?” We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.
From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. “I’ll give
you seventy-five cents for it.”
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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call
the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice
deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.
So she waited until her parents had left for work and called
the school herself.
“Hi, I’m calling to report that Alice is unable to make it
to school today because she is ill.”
Secretary at high school answered, “I’m sorry to hear that.
I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling please?”
“This is my mother.”
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At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign
of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and
the blessing, after which the congregation responded, “And
also with you.”
One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest
appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system
during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion
of the song, the priest said, “There seems to be something
wrong with the mike.”
The congregation automatically responded, “And also with
you.”
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Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for
a visit. “No way am I getting on an airplane,” was the in-
evitable answer.
“Look, Mom, when it’s your time to go, it doesn’t matter
if you’re on the ground or in the air.”
“I know,” said her mother. “I just don’t want to be that
far off the ground when it’s the pilot’s time to go.”
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At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a
moment of silence to remember the faithful dead…
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of
me turned to his father and said excitedly, “Dad, you have
some of their albums!”
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A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old
son about his future. The youngster said he’d like to attend
Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.
Pleased with his response, they pressed on. “What would you
like to take when you attend college?” they asked the little
boy.
After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen,
he replied, “The refrigerator, if you can get along without
it.”
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“Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn remarked that Murphy was a very lucky man, because
his own wife makes him walk to the pub.” –Unknown
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As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently,
the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20
percent off sale.
“I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her
something.” she suggested.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I answered.
“No girlfriend? Why not?”
“My wife won’t let me.”
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Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out
weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.
“My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told
the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, “Permission granted.”
Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a
weekend pass. His wife wasn’t pregnant, so when the C.O.
asked why he should grant him permission, my friend re-
sponded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I
want to be with her.”